For the last couple of years, I've reminisced about the days I was the life of the party, at a party, or just having a life.
Don't get me wrong, I've been to parties and events, but they were not enjoyable. I self-diagnosed myself as being socially awkward and an introvert. (I still believe I am introverted) Because of these self-diagnoses, I purchased a mental mansion and decided to live there. I was not present at any moment; I felt like I did not look right, talk right, or conduct myself as I should. Am I acting my age? Am I appearing educated? Are people noticing how insecure I'm feeling?
These thoughts were not limited to professional social events, but at places like clubs, baby showers, you know events where none of that mattered. Firstly, this type of behavior is draining, and it defeats the purpose of going out.
But, how did this happen?
To me, questions like these are a waste of time. Most times I can never think of its origin. Time is better spent correcting the issue and climbing out of behaviors that no longer suit me. I feel this derived simply because of life. We all start a certain way and then realize we have transitioned into something else. Life has a way of creating barriers and walls that we did not know our minds, spirits, and bodies built.
When I was younger, I was very open and did not give a crap about what others thought. When I entered my 20s I was told to "grow up" and I needed to be this and that. When graduating, I was told "educated people" conduct themselves this way and that way. When I got married, I was told wives are to dress like this and be this way. All of these damn rules confused me. I mean when and where do I be this or I be that?
Over time, I thought I had "evolved" to be who I was. But I was functioning off mental macros. When I was at home, I processed the "wife macro" or when I was at work the "work macro" kicked in. I thought all of this was authentically me. It was causing me not to have a good time anywhere because I was always in my head. And if I was being my authentic self why would it require so much thought?
What I Did About it
The first couple of years of this discovery, I was trying to revert back to my old fun self, but that was not working. What was fun for me 10 years ago is not fun to me now. My body would collapse if I went to the club from Thursday to Saturday each week. And my budget would look at me like "Girl, Bye!"
Once I realized some of the places that I loved are only fun in spurts, that was half the battle.
The second thing I did was stop the comparisons. I have friends that are fabulous with their make-up, hair, and wardrobe. I wanted to look like them and keep up with them, but I learned some of that stuff either did not look right or feel right on me. The component I missed is their confidence is what made them fabulous. They learned what worked for them and ran with it. I know for sure comfortability works for me. I gave up heels a long time ago because my feet and ankles will not go. But I love cute flats, boots, and sneakers, and they go well with a dress! That's a win-win for me.
Lastly, I got out of my mental real estate investment and decided to live outside my head. I quit envisioning how things should pan out. I go into a situation with openness. I don't assume how people will be or how they will perceive me. I no longer am afraid to open my mouth. I can compliment fabulousness without feeling inadequate. There is nothing wrong with who I am. And when I forget that my support system always brings me back to that reality.
Last weekend, I had so much fun with my friends, and I settled into the moment. I did not set expectations and let the day flow. This left no room to hone into what went wrong or how something should have gone. What happened is how it was supposed to happen. Now, I can store these events in my memory untainted because it was just a good time, nothing more, nothing less. This girl is gonna have fun; it is needed and warranted. Welcome Back Fun, I've truly missed you!
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