The other day, I was watching Ellen DeGeneres’ last standup special, For Your Approval, and she hilariously unpacked the realities of people-pleasing. We all claim not to care about others’ opinions, but do we really mean it? 🤔
Ellen joked about giving up fillers and Botox, claiming she totally wasn’t trying to gain people’s approval back then… wink. Her humor made me reflect on how much I, a self-proclaimed “reformed people-pleaser,” still have work to do. My actions often say otherwise.
Source: Instagram For Your Approval is a good watch about people pleasing
For example, I create content tailored to help others, but I still hold back from sharing everything, afraid of what people might think. 😬 When folks unsubscribe from my mailing list, I spiral, wondering what I did wrong. I pretend to be kind and unbothered when, deep inside, I’m burning with the fear of being misunderstood or judged. 🔥 I sometimes suppress my true feelings, worried I’ll hurt someone else’s, and in doing so, I realize: I’m being dishonest and inauthentic.
People-pleasing can be surprisingly narcissistic. 😳 It tricks you into believing that everyone is watching, analyzing, and critiquing your every move, as if people have nothing better to do than obsess over your actions. But guess what? Most people are way too busy dealing with their own lives and struggles. People who unsubscribe from my content likely do so because it simply doesn’t resonate with them—and that’s okay. And here’s the truth: most viewers will scroll past a video or unsubscribe without a second thought. I know this because I do the same thing myself. 🤷🏽♀️
The thing is, people-pleasing steals our joy and focus from those who actually do support us. 🤍 Instead of obsessing over who’s disconnected, why not celebrate the ones who stay, uplift, and appreciate you for who you are? People show support in many ways, and while this blog isn’t about gratitude per se, it’s a reminder that people-pleasing eats away at what’s real and valuable.
I’ve joked that there should be a support group for people-pleasers 🤦🏽♀️, but honestly, I’m starting to think it’s a necessary idea. The addiction to approval is insidious, often planted in us as children. 🧸
Some of us only received attention for achievements or when something went wrong, so we learned that our worth was conditional.
Others were peacekeepers in chaotic homes or products of emotionally immature parents who did a number on them. There are a myriad of reasons, often tangled together, and many of us are still carrying the weight.
So, let’s get personal.
This past weekend, I reflected on why I let toxic people linger in my life. Why do I forgive easily when someone hurts me? Why do I stay loyal to people who don’t deserve it? 😔 At first, I thought it was a fear of being alone, but that’s not true—I was an only child for 12 years and grew pretty comfortable with solitude. The real reason? It’s the feeling of being needed. I crave it, and the more someone needs me, the more I lose myself. 😩 I’ve mistakenly measured my worth and success by how much people like or rely on me.
A recent interview I did with Natalie Bedard was eye-opening. 💡 She introduced me to the idea of a “safe space” and helped me see that I wasn’t creating one for myself. Instead, I’d set emotional landmines everywhere, ready to explode 💣 when my ego wasn’t fed the approval it craved. People-pleasing feeds the ego in unhealthy, calculated ways. It’s manipulative, as if doing X will guarantee that others will respond with Y. But people can’t be controlled, and when that plan backfires, I’m left angry and disappointed. 😤
Natalie also reminded me that before I can expect others to provide a safe space, I have to make one for myself. 🛡️ Everything starts with self. There’s no shortcut around that. I keep telling myself every week that the people-pleasing stops here, only to catch myself reverting by Friday. 😅 I’m now curious: What would it feel like to create a safe, nurturing space for myself? To invest in my dreams wholeheartedly? 🌱 To feel validated and complete without anyone’s approval?
This new chapter of my journey is dedicated to exploring just that. 📖 Every week, I’ll jot down my experiences and share them each Monday. Not for approval—lol—but in hopes that someone else wrestling with the same struggle can find comfort in our shared humanity. 🫂
If you’re on this people-pleasing recovery path too, never hesitate to reach out. We’re in this together. But most importantly, it’s time for us to live for ourselves. Life isn’t a never-ending audition, so let’s stop rehearsing in our heads. 🎭
Cheers to our new journey! 🥂
Let's Chat!? Can you relate to the woes of people-pleasing? What steps are you taking to heal. What tools are you utilizing to decrease the need to people please?
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