Why Modern Love Is About Security, Not Status

beyourownkind
Sep 25
7 min read

In the late 90s, women sat at their metaphorical Charlie Angels desks exclaiming Independence. During this era, it was a badge of honor for women to have their own, to the extent that Neyo made a song and a remix celebrating the fact that women wanted and didn't need them. Today, this shift in independence has transitioned to women holding their own and expecting a man to be financially equal to them. Even though the woman could take care of herself, it was this concept that what's mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. There is nothing wrong with a woman knowing what she wants, and she has the right to express her preferences. However, I noticed that the partner bucket list is becoming less superficial, and women are craving more than just dinners and fancy vacations.

Ciara Publicly Setting the Tone

I've noticed this transition lately, around the time Ciara met Russel Wilson, where women realized they were worth more than what they put up with. Ciara was dating rapper Future, and they even had a child together. Although she appeared to love him (I say appear only because I don’t know her personally), Future appeared to still want everyone else (still, I don’t know that man...in my Keke Palmer voice).

What I would assume a heartbroken Ciara realized she needed was better, and she dated a man who was not as similar to her past lovers. Ciara had been known to date rappers, such as Bow Wow and 50 Cent, men with a hard exterior, so to speak. So, when she started dating Russell, who seemed like a polar opposite, the public started to wonder what she saw in him. Years passed, and three pregnancies later, they are still in marital bliss. Ciara looks happy; she is glowing from feeling secure with her man, and most importantly, she appears to be more aligned with who she is because Russell appears to give her something perhaps the other guys didn’t, which, in my opinion, is safety.

Ciara glowed up so much that people were asking her for her personal love prayer. God had a long line of single women carbon copying what they thought she prayed to have to acquire the happiness she exhibits. Summer Walker wanted the formula that she featured on Ciara’s "Prayer" on her 2021 album, Still Over It, so the world could finally know.

An excerpt of that prayer is,

I pray the next man in my life will be my husband

I pray he loves me, leads me, guides me, reassures me

I pray that he holds me

I pray that I have everything I want and need in him

I pray he will love me the way that you love me

To me, all of those things are the components of feeling safe and secure, allowing her to be the woman she was meant to be. With a man who loves her as God loves her, she did not have to spend her energy wondering if he was cheating on her or lying to her. Instead, she could spend her energy on loving her husband, children, and most importantly, herself. She can be goofy when she wants, release music projects, and even share her wisdom with other couples because that is how secure she is in her marriage.

What I noticed lately...

What prompted this post was my recent viewing of Teyana Taylor’s album, Escape Room. In the short YouTube film, it starts off with Teyana loving a man she appears to tussle with literally in the video. Over time, that man is constrained, allowing a more genuine one, played by her actual boyfriend, Aaron Pierce, who, towards the end, she found solace and safety in. Her decision for this narrative in the short film was “to create a safe space for women to be able to love again and to create that safe space for men to be gentle and to be lovers because they want to feel protected too.” (marieclaire.com)

Then, recently, Cardi B. released her new album, Am I the Drama?, and her Song named "Safe" featuring Kehlani highlighted the realization of feeling safe in a relationship. The video portrays Cardi and her love interest, played by Don Benjamin, and displays the ups and downs of their relationship. Towards the end, Cardi kicks her boyfriend out of the house, and in turn ended up shot and killed. The video implied that whatever the boyfriend was tied to brought danger to her and their growing family, and although he loved her, his actions did not provide safety.

This video seemed to be a metaphor for her real life with soon-to-be ex-husband Offset. I believe Offset has love for her, but I also believe that he took advantage of her love, consistently embarrassed her, and disrespected her through his actions. Now that the controversy of her moving on with her new boyfriend, Stefon Diggs, has arisen, Cardi couldn't care less about what people are saying because she feels safe and motivated by Stefon. Even though he has his own controversies, she does not care; it seems that this man is giving her something that Offset, or in her words, any man, has ever given her.

This post is not about the decision of celebrities before you comment a novel about right or wrong. This post is about women re-prioritizing their needs. Yes, women deserve it all and can have it all, but what are finances if you don’t have peace? Safety has been an unspoken need, and over the years, it has gained a voice. The little girl inside of us is healing, and maybe women have realized that Daddy Issues, Mommy Issues, Being over-Emotional, whatever people claim, has been the search for safety? And because she had never experienced safety before, she didn’t quite know what she was looking for. She was looking for something but couldn’t recognize it until she met that guy who offered her security and reassurance.

What does Safety Look Like?

Just in case you haven't yet recognized the importance of safety. According to Merriam-Webster, Safety is defined as “the condition of being safe from undergoing or causing hurt, injury, or loss” (Merriam-Webster.com). In other words, your partner would have to possess the capability of making you feel protected, physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe. This doesn’t even entail protecting you from others, but also protecting you from yourself. Even if your partner notices you doing things to jeopardize yourself, they would have to be so in tune with who you are to recognize your bouts of self sabotage. Now, ladies, this level of discernment is not something everyone possesses, but it can be gained through prayer and practice. It is the willingness to want to be in tune that births this safety.

On the flip side, this action would need to be reciprocated as well. Men need to feel safe as well to express themselves and be able to let their guards down when at home. Home should be a safe haven for both parties, not just one. Because most men won’t volunteer their day, we women have to be mindful to ask and check in with them to see what’s going on in their lives and minds. Men need to be nurtured and heard as well.

Please know that I am not making this up, as I had a reality check in my own marriage about this. I noticed I was requiring so much from my husband that I wasn’t mindful of my level of reciprocation. At one point, the relationship was all about my healing and my self-care, leaving the relationship to only cater to my needs. I would do things that would constantly set me back, and he would be there to pick up the pieces. For a while, he was sharpening my knife, but his was slowly dulling. Ladies, we have to be mindful not to wear a good man out. Just because someone will bend for you doesn’t mean you should break them.

All in all, it appears that the modern woman also wants emotional support. I feel this is more prevalent for black women, as we are conditioned to be the caretakers and get over whatever hardships we face because we have nurturing to do. The burnout error has ended, and women are craving softness while sipping wine and watching their capes burn in the bonfire. Black women, I love that for us, hell, all women, I love that for us. We deserve softness, but don’t forget that men deserve it too. As always, they just don’t know it yet... lol. 😉

Say What?!?: Do you believe true love without safety can last? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

✦ ✦ ✦ Own Your Difference ✦ ✦ ✦

✨ About Be Your Own Kind

Be Your Own Kind (BYOK) is a space for self-love, cultural storytelling, and embracing the journey. Through blogs, podcasts, and creative projects, Nita shares real stories, affirmations, and reflections designed to inspire confidence and connection.

💌 Stay Connected: Website | YouTube | Substack | Lemon8