I’ve Been Running on Applause, and I’m Out of Breath

Lately, I’ve realized something I didn’t want to admit: I’m tired of achieving. I’m always doing. Even when I’m resting, my mind is planning the next thing to accomplish. It’s like I mentally collect achievements, place them neatly on an invisible shelf, and immediately move on to the next goal.

I’ve spent so much time building a “comfortable life,” yet I never seem to stop and enjoy it.

If you’ve read past Diary of a Curvalicious Broad entries, you know I’m a reformed people pleaser—or at least on the edge of reform. I’m constantly discovering new ways I’ve shaped my actions around my need to be liked. And honestly? I’m highly convinced that my constant achieving was part of that.

Hear me out—when we achieve things, we get praised for it. Get engaged? There’s a party. Start a business? Someone’s throwing a dinner. I’m not saying I’ve been chasing one long celebration, but if that’s not the case… why do I always feel the need to achieve?

I literally dream up ideas in my sleep. I have new concepts floating through my head as I write this. But if I never pause to enjoy the fruits of my labor… who am I doing it all for?

If I don’t find comfort in the life I’ve created, have I been building a life based on others’ expectations? Have my goals been shaped more by the desire to make others proud than by the intention to make myself proud?

I feel like I’ve been chasing a carrot I hung in front of myself—running on a treadmill that never ends. Despite all the achievements, I often feel unaccomplished. Even with joyful things happening around me, my thoughts are clouded with complaints. I've started to wonder if I’m not actually a doer, but a dreamer who never fully let herself rest—just besties with the Sandman.

Sure, I could blame this on hustle culture, the toxic mindset that glorifies burnout as a badge of honor. The more you grind, the more “worthy” you are. But I think it goes deeper than that.

It’s not just the grind that got me—it’s the celebration of it all. I’ve been caught in what I now recognize as the external validation loop—where your self-worth becomes tied to how others react to your success, so you keep doing more just to be seen or applauded. And honestly? That’s messed up.

Once I saw this clearly, I began to be more intentional with my goals. I ask myself, does this align with my roadmap? A roadmap I only created because my therapist told me I needed one—so I’d have direction instead of spinning in circles with good ideas and no grounding. Before that, if someone offered me something to do, I’d say yes. Even if it didn’t align with my (then-unknown) path.

Now? I have direction. And with direction, comes boundaries.

To truly wean myself off the need for validation, I’ve started distancing myself from people—and that’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I needed to hear my own voice again. And more importantly, I needed to hear God’s.

This is my season to discover what I want, and to learn how to self-validate. So even if I make a decision that seems weird to others, I can stand firmly in it, because I know where it came from.

I no longer want to equate busyness with success.

Stillness can be success.

Ordinary can be success.

Being family-oriented is success.

Landing a steady job that gives you time for yourself and family is success.

It’s not always about being Instagram-famous or constantly booked and busy.

And for me? That love sounds like finally telling myself, “I’m proud of you,” instead of waiting to hear it from someone else.

I now see that trying to be the strong one—at times—was just another way to fulfill my need to feel needed. But in doing so, I became less strong than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I love helping people. But my need to be needed became my identity. And now? I’m not sure who I am without it. That’s a problem. And that’s why taking a break from achieving is essential.

When I really look over my life, I have so much to be grateful for. More blessings than complaints—big and small. And even if I stopped striving today (which let’s be real, I won’t 😅), my life would still be full.

So if you relate to any of this—I invite you to pause.

Take a deep breath.

Look at everything you’ve accomplished, survived, and become.

You’ve already done so much. And trust me, you will do more.

Let’s just make sure that what we do—and why we do it—comes from a place of alignment, not applause.

To everyone who continues to follow and support me: I love you. I’m rooting for you, just as much as you’ve rooted for me.

Take care. ❤️