Updated: Sep 18, 2021
The title of this blog has such a desperate tone. At a time, I was seriously spiritual and mentally desperate. I was running on fumes; when I think back I was so empty that my delusions made me feel like I was still in motion.
I didn't start this way. I was always full. My initial God-believing days were full of long talks with God and nightly letters about my thoughts. He was my best friend, my only friend for that matter. But then I started making human friends. I replaced my Godly buddy with carnal ones. I started began to confide in and conform to their will and their plan for my life.
Thinking back on my life, even in my foolishness, God still carried me. When I forgot about him, he never forgot about me. During those times I attempted to replace him, he still kept me. Also for the record, there isn't anything out there in the world that can fill a void as deep as the absence of God. Instead of being uplifted, I was violated on all fronts. I was mentally mishandled and wasn't given a choice in some sexual situations. I became numb to these instances and kept living a life I knew was not safe for me.
It's so easy for an outsider looking in to say, "why not just get out of that situation?". My easy answer would be I thought I was too damaged for God to take me back. I thought I had out-sinned God's forgiveness. The more I ran from God, the more I tried to camouflage into the person I thought people wanted me to be. Forget losing myself; I was gone.
One day, it randomly dawned on me how much I used to talk with God. I bit the bullet and tried to start with a small random prayer. When my mouth opened, the words wouldn't come out. All I could utter was, "Dear God." I was so verbally constipated, which is odd because I am highly loquacious.
Because the words would not spill out, I allowed my hands to do the talking. Once my fingers touched the keyboard, my heart started to pour. Apologies began to flood and, stories of the things I had suppressed left me typing long letters. I did this until I was able to speak.
Even when I started to talk to him, I was still not sharing everything. It wasn't until the pandemic that I started re-connecting. It is one thing to talk to God and another to build a relationship with him. The reconnection began when the pandemic required me to work from home. At first, it was only me then, after a while, later re-invited him into my heart.
Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
It was a mess at first. All types of emotional baggage and my carnality was fighting with my spirit. My intentions to build a relationship with God required me to build a relationship with myself. How can I ask God to bless his creation I loathed so much, myself. I am required to be the most important person in my life, right?
Upon this forced road of connecting with myself, a lot of stuff came to the forefront. None of it was in vain, due to the fact, God brought me through all of it. It was a happy ending because I am still here. I am still here to make things right. I am still here to get it together and, God has not given up on me. In hindsight, the issue was never about God giving up on me, it was me giving up on myself.
During this journey, I learned I was not who I thought I was. I wasn't a failure. I wasn't defective. I deserve love. I deserve respect. I am capable and worthy of greatness. My self-talk transitioned from "I can't" to "God, help me". My plans turned from impossible to me being able to do all things through him. My worries became his worries because that's how friends are. My sensitivities were now protected and, things that used to harm me no longer get a tear. People that weren't to be in my life were all removed for the betterment of my soul.
To give up the relationship I have with him would be utterly insane. If he blessed and kept me when I left him, can you imagine the magnitude of his blessings when he's included in my life?
I can't afford to live this life without him. In the words of Beyonce's Dangerously in Love, "he [God] set me free, I can't do this thing called life without him here with me." The only difference is I'm no longer in danger but in the safety zone. The safety zone does not mean that I won't experience hardship, pain, or that I'm perfect. He is a Sovereign God, what will be, will be; except this time I am putting my trust in him.
Can you relate to the reality of re-connecting to God? If so, please share.